Love Canvas

    “When you say, ‘ Let me truly take care of myself’, you invite the dignity of the inner Goddess to take care of the struggling inner child.  - Tosha Silver

Some people are experts at LOVE.  Like my friend Arielle Ford. Thank God for Arielle- she’s a love Goddess.  I’ve read every single one of her books and even did a cover for one.  You see, I’m an expert at painting love but when it comes to love itself I’m possibly what you might call a hot mess.

   Now if you’re like me- I urge you to read all of Arielle Ford’s books to get back on track and possibly read my book Addicted to Love Paperback or Kindle edition so that you can feel better about being a hot mess! 

Me and love.   To be honest, I think I’m super good at loving.  I was trained this way-a natural nurturer.  I learned from an early age to get love, you had to give love.  This is skewed.  You see, to feel love and feel loved- it begins with you and no one should have to earn love.

They don’t call them the formative years for nothing.   These early years seem to form a foundation for our understanding of life and love.  If you were one of the lucky ones who had parents who knew how to love and treasure you- you’re golden.  But I have a feeling many of us came from pretty imperfect beginnings and as such- have been on a life-long journey of learning our own  immeasurable value.

I bumbled my way through 15 years of marriage.  I was committed and mostly unhappy.   I felt overwhelmed with raising a child with very little support and yet, I was learning so much about love through this time.  Some of my lessons were beautiful and comforting and some hit so heart I felt knocked to the ground.  But 

I CHOSE to learn- to really asses myself, my expectations of love and my own feelings of unworthiness.

   I thought that marriage/love was something you just stayed with no matter what.  I did not feel cherished or seen.  I thought if I kept trying things would get better, but I simply became more and more angry and empty.  I felt starved for love but remained attached to hope. Just this statement alone gave me a clue…to the fact that I did not know how to fill my own cup, to love myself.   

   My journey  towards self-love began with compassion. And let’s be clear, no relationship can thrive let alone survive without a modicum of loving oneself. 

As I looked through my own upbringing I understood at the deepest level how complicated love felt for me.  Love felt scary- my father was violent at times and incredibly funny and warm at others- you never knew what would trigger him- so love kept me anxious.  Love was withholding- My mother could be so incredibly warm but in moments she would not speak to me- I had no idea why- but I worked hard to win her back- Love felt uncertain- I had to not need any thing for myself- or if I did keep it to myself. Love felt painful in it’s abandonment. I was dependent on what little bits were coming in- and when they disappeared I felt as wobbly as a tall blade of grass blowing in the wind. 

  Compassion helped me understand that how I functioned was the sum of my upbringing.  I know I needed to learn something different if I was to invite a positive experience of love into my life.

    Initially I greeted loves dysfunction with anger and defensiveness.  I probably still do at times today- more as I have become a fierce protector and lover of my own soul.  Initially though I simply reacted to the pain I felt.

   Let me assure you time is a healer and pain is a teacher if you approach your life with conscious decision to grow.  And even if you don’t,  life will continue to gently push you into these opportunities of transformation.   This is good to know; so when you feel pain, you are growing!

“As human beings, we have the magnificent capacity known as choice. We can choose at any moment to make new choices about our beliefs about love.”  -Arielle Ford

See, I told you she was a genius!

Knowing that what I knew, or thought I knew was not the paradigm of love I wanted to be in, I made the decision to become a student of love.  I studied people, relationships that seemed to boast both deep caring and longevity.  How did they still love each other after a lifetime.  I know for some it was simply habit and fear- fear of the unknown.  Maybe I was lucky that I was given one swift boot by the universe into a world that both scared the crap out of me and yet strangely excited me at the same time- the world of single parent!  

  My initial class of self-love 101 was through the gift of parenting my beautiful daughter.  I made a choice to love consciously and unconditionally and in these choices lay something precious; I began to understand what unconditional love was.  It was not perfect- because no love is, but it was perfect in it’s imperfection.  It was impossible to stay mad or upset for very long because love kept breaking down our defences.

         I began to know a safe environment of love.  

The other thing I began to not only pay attention to but also honour, was how I felt.  Somehow I came to understand that really listening and exploring and honouring my feelings was something i could do for myself.

     Here’s what I wanted to believe more than anything; that love could feel good, that I could feel safe in a loving relationship, that love could remain passionate throughout it’s longevity.  I wanted to absolutely know this kind of love.

   As I began to understand and feel love more deeply, I had an epiphany.  I could hold myself in love.   No matter what imperfect or uncertain forces were hitting me externally- I would still be able to hold myself in love and with love.

“Authenticity is the Essence of Power” -Colette Baron Reid 

When I feel hurt now I retreat and assess.  I have become the fierce protectress of my own heart and my own advocate for love. I know how I want to be treated and I will not settle for anything less than feeling truly valued.  Somehow, I feel stronger.

   This is the canvas I am currently working on; The blade of grass has grown into a solid tree trunk.  While the branches and leaves may sway, she is strongly rooted with her abundant garden of shimmering friends surrounding her.   No matter what comes her way, a meanness, a betrayal, a storm or a flood- she remains grounded in love, kindness and compassion.  She is connected to love through here soul, and through her authenticity and through some Divine guiding force

Who knows…

Maybe I too one day will graduate from student to teacher.

That would be a dream come true.

xoxoxo

Sharron