I Have A Boyfriend!

I have a boyfriend!  I’m still licking the sweetness of these words off my lips…

I, me, Sharron...have a boyfriend!

   He is sweet, supportive, he dotes on me.  He thinks I’m beautiful even first thing in the morning. He thinks I have a beautiful body, even though I’m heavier than I’ve ever been.  

He loves my art...but more than this...I truly believe he loves my heart as he treats it so tenderly.

  Our love story is not one of fairy tales- let me tell you.

We met at a party I held when I moved to my new home, fall of three years ago.  Not knowing a soul, I decided to invite my musician friends from Toronto. I found a Stratford musician facebook site and invited anyone who wanted to come… and a few did.

    He was one of the few.

He told me he never went to things like this... but somehow he felt the urge to come out.

I thought he was cute, I liked the sparkle in his eye and I could tell he kinda thought I was cute.

I went on to see him here and there and decided I did not like him (poor guy). ‘Stuff’ about him bugged me.  He seemed a bit dark at times.  But God bless him, he kept showing up, to my gigs, art shows and he ‘liked’ every thing I posted on facebbook.

     He just seemed to always be in the background - my strong, silent supporter.

In the spring of that year I decided I had to see if there were any sparks between us.  I served up tequila-tinis-  or not sure what to call them but lets just say these cocktails were brimming with tequila ( tequila, a few strawberries and sugared rim- in case you need to try these on someone special).   The temperature between us definitely seemed to rise up alongside our tequila-tini consumption.  I’m happy to say this DID lead to kissing!! (Yes, JUST kissing!)

  He was an AMAZING Kisser!

Now it’s time for me to back-track on the Sharron-love-life saga for a bit.  Sharron.  Married for almost 15 years.  Bad ending and super-bad divorce.    Sharron dated many guys.  A few made it to her bed but none made it into her heart.   It was the old ‘pitfall’ adage.  She knew she was attracted to men who were emotionally unavailable, or disconnected- like her own father.  She could see the hole but kept walking into it in her younger years.  After her devastating divorce, she could see the hole, was still attracted to it but would NOT go near it.  

Can you see the conundrum here?  Maybe you’ve even lived it yourself.  So...you might ask... I know I did- ‘how do I change this?’   And this my friends, is not an easy thing to do- but becoming aware and conscious of wanting to make a change is an amazing first step.

   What I chose to do was to work on love from the inside out.  I knew I needed to learn to love and value myself- really understand what love felt like.  My daughter taught me so much about love.  I knew a few simple facts;  Love does not hurt.  No other person can make you feel loved if you don’t love yourself. 

Learning to love myself was actually a pretty wondrous process.  As I began to feel this contentment from within I no longer needed a partner.   Wanting and needing- 2 different things.  Needing implies you have to have something to feel complete.  Wanting, is feeling complete but knowing a cherry on top could be really fine. You’re content either way.  Nothing is missing.    Now this is the perfect stance to be in and I was there.

  So back to my love story- let’s talk a bit about his back-story.

One woman, one marriage for 30 years.   He was not ready for what was hitting him.  

He liked it- a lot- but he was not ready.

  So we dated and then we stopped.  We dated again and then we stopped.  I knew what I wanted and did not need to settle for less.  I decided that this relationship was teaching me how to be clear about my needs and not feel bad for having them- relational needs- to feel courted, fully accepted, loved.

    As I held true to myself- I felt good even when we separated.  This was all new territory for me- I was feeling strong.

     Well a big chunk of time passed.  And he continued to show  up wherever I was performing and continued to always 'like' me on facebook.

   Never in my life had I encountered a man with such perseverance.

    We got back together and this time it was completely different.  He was 100% in.  He knew he wanted me in his life.  I was welcomed completely and somehow in this opening, I felt my own heart sheath begin to disintegrate.  He made it in.   I know it was not easy.  But he made it into my heart and has remained there ever since.

   I’m not going to lie, occasionally I feel this defensive film begin to grow again- but somehow, he has a way, with his caring and warmth to just melt it away.

     Sometimes I feel a bit weakened by love. Mostly I feel strengthened.  The weakness comes from my own doubt.  My strength comes from being in the moment and accepting this beautiful gift of his love.

    I often wonder- is it this difficult for everyone?  I know many people who simply trust love. I pray to be able to keep my heart open. I know, even if I shut down for a bit- I will always return to love.

   

 This thought keeps me sane.  

I believe that the universe is always teaching us about love. Whatever we need to grow our hearts will show up.  If we need to learn self-love then we may be on our own- or with our self as  I like to say.  To be with yourself is far from being alone for each of us is a rich, wonderful landscape.  Being with yourself, you get to really know all of what makes you tick- honour this!

Perhaps, your journey is to learn how to love yourself within a difficult relationship.  This might involve leaving or perhaps, love might invite you to stay.

      Right now, I know I’m one of the lucky ones.  There are days I feel unhappy, I find fault in him, in us, but I’m wise enough to know the unhappiness is dwelling in my own psyche and he can’t fix it- I have to. And I do.

    If you can fall in love from the inside out- you will have carved yourself a little piece of heaven.  It takes courage, persistence and a strong belief that you deserve to be loved.

      It takes knowing how to make yourself happy and sharing your happiness with another.  It takes commitment, to yourself, your heart and then his.

      Weird...me giving relationship advice...

I have a beautiful boyfriend, and I still shake my head in wonder some days and always feel this 

immense gratitude. 

xoxoxox 

Sharron

      

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