The Pot Hole
Do you have a weakness?
Oh God, I’m am so full of different weaknesses. Sure I have strengths too but for some reason I can’t seem to feel my strength- I only feel my weakness.
I have this pothole I keep falling into. It’s ridiculous. Over and over I feel the bruises from this fall and yet I keep travelling on that same familiar path. What is wrong with me!!! OK to give myself a bit of a break, sometimes the pothole is hidden by pretty flowers or sweet-looking berries, so I think ok- they’ve covered over the pothole- ha! tricked! In I fall, over again!
Today I’m sitting with myself asking what am I supposed to be learning? That I’m a dumbass and can’t seem to predict this yucky pothole?? Or Maybe there is some bigger picture I need to see…I am receiving a message…wait… it’s getting louder- it’s time to stop being so hard on yourself Sharron
I’m being abstract because I’m afraid of being honest and direct. Maybe you’re in a similar situation. If you are- my heart is with your heart right now.
Maybe it’s our weakness that helps us connect at the heart level with others. Maybe it’s our weakness that moves us out from under the protection of judgment and into the vulnerability of imperfection.
The connections are so strong- maybe there is a damn magnet in this pothole- sucking me…slowly, surely, toward it. Maybe I’m not so dumb after-all. Maybe I’m trying to avoid it but the magnet…yes it has to be the magnet. This is ironic, but perhaps I need non-magnetic armour- I mean I know the pothole is there! Why do I keep thinking, hoping- this will change.
I hear the pothole calling…I’ve changed, I’m filled in now- it’s safe to come this way…I walk and walk…feels safe…I walk some more…I relax and think I can just be myself- be loved with no conditions- BAM- damn- I fell in again!
The hardest part about the pothole is that you begin looking for them everywhere. And suddenly you’re afraid to walk past your own front door. You don’t trust yourself anymore- you don’t trust the path… This can’t be good.
I need some zero-gravity shoes…shoes where I can just connect with my jets when I feel the pull of the pothole.
Maybe my magical jet shoes could begin with an understanding- it’s not you. and then an acknowledgement- people are who they are- and then a strengthening- yes you’re drawn to that damn pothole but be careful when you get near…and maybe…just maybe one day I will know better!
I saw the look in my friend’s eyes this week when I told her the pothole had been covered- she did not say what she was thinking- “Come on Sharron, we both know you’re heading for a crash again”. I felt her restraint- she knew. Why did’t I. I somehow have a blind spot. Hope...
Brief prayer break...
I go to the pothole searching for some sort of reassurance, love- looking outward again to ease my inner discomfort, uncertainty and pain. No it doesn’t work this way Sharron. I know…but sometimes the pain is so great- it needs soothing…no Sharron- sooth yourself. Be with the pain- no one else wants it- they all have their own.
And the dialogue continues…and I wish I could shut it all down- just for a bit.
Yup, the pothole is the source of the pain- and yet I crazily think it will help me soothe the pain. OK big brain- you are really not working so well.
My friend Kelley said this
“I think it is because we have hope. Hope that “this time it will be different!” Sadly, sometimes our hopes are misplaced, so we dust ourselves off and balance a turn toward jadedness with our seemingly endlessly resilient hope. Cheers to your hope. “
I love this…
possibly a slightly hopeful ending to a slightly jaded blog post.
I mean I’ve called the damn thing Sharron’s Shadow.
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