Ownership

(Hum in your head  to the tune of the Brady Bunch)

Here’s a story

about a girl named Sharron

Who grew up in a fairly unconscious world

with a mother always sad

-and a father always mad

She learned to live her life in a creative whirl

Sadly Sharron,

 (and I’m sure many others)

was made to feel bad for sometimes feeling blue

So she learned…

 to hide those feelings… 

and pretend that they weren’t true

The other day- like yesterday, me and my guy decided to put an offer in on 

this STUNNING house.  We had been looking ‘for fun’ but the truth is I 

think we’ve both been kind of excited at the idea of collaborating on home ownership.

It took some coercing, my guy was not crazy for the street- but the house had so much going for it- I could picture us thriving there as a couple- he eventually saw it too- so we made an offer.

It was a strong clean offer- with a longer closing simply to ensure we would both have time to sell our collective homes.

   We did not get it.  Someone came with more money and the closing they wanted.

Today I feel sad.

And there is this voice in my head- I know it’s not mine- “saying you have no right to feel sad- life is good! you have your health, a guy who loves you”, a great home- and all of this is completely true- but I wanted more.  

   Is it wrong to want more? 

Is it wrong to feel sad? 

I think no, and no. It is NEVER wrong to feel anything you feel. And yet there is a modicum of subliminal shame for having these feelings… as if... it’s wrong to want more.

 I hear these collective mean voices…you in-great…people are starving…is what you have not enough?….

  I call them the dark voices. I know them intimately.  I have somehow adopted them- but I KNOW they are not really mine.  The truth is- how would we ever evolve if we did not want more.

   I’m extremely grateful for everything I have- especially my health and my good over-thinking brain but I would be a liar to say I did not want more. And I know I’ll always want more…more creativity, more knowledge, more ability, more music more guitars…more.  

  I’m not consumed by the material world but I own and acknowledge it’s presence in my human form.   

     We need to own our darker side.   We don’t need to reside in the shadows all the time but I truly feel we need to love and accept all facets of ourselves.

       I have this memory of being in a car with my mom and my brothers just after my dad’s funeral about 4 years ago.  I felt out of control with grief.  Both my brothers had taken over the planning of his memorial and that helped them to be ‘doing’ instead of feeling.  I was not being included. I terribly needed to be doing too- my pain felt beyond what I could handle.   I said something in the car- I can’t remember what it was but I know it had to do with being left out and my mother blurted out- “Stop being such a Victim Sharron”.  There is was- my shadow being shamed.

      I felt my heart skip a beat- the pain of my shame was now added on top of my grief.

I feel I somehow managed some words in defence of myself…and my mother apologized.

  I wish I had just calmly been able to own it all and said- yes, in this moment I feel like a complete victim. I feel powerless over the intensity of the pain I am feeling.  

    Maybe I was not successful in the chapter of owning this fabulous 'house of my dreams'- but I own that I feel super disappointed.  I own that I want more.

    I won’t stay disappointed for long but nor will I shame away my feelings.

      Ownership…of ALL of our feelings is incredibly important to our well being- ownership and acceptance.

  I know it will all be OK- but right now THIS is how I feel.  I’m OK with it.

My mother would say- “this too will pass”. She is a wise soul.  I’m going to be in acceptance of what is.

    Owning it ALL

                           Dancing in the Dark. Acrylic on canvas 24" x 36".  $350

xoxox

Sharron